The Central University Neutralisation Taskforce (C.U.N.T.) branch of the UCL Student Experience Team (S.Ex Team) last week foiled a sinister and grave and very serious threat on the George Farha Cafe (G.F.C.), a beloved symbol of our University (College London) (UCL).
Exclusive information (E.I.) revealed to The Cheese Grater (T.C.G.) by a reliable source (hidden messages encoded in my flatmate's stool samples) reveals that, by checking Student Identification (I.D.) Cards literally everywhere, UCL Security were able to thwart an attempt by a group of disgruntled Comparative Literature students to put stickers under the tables of George Farha Cafe (G.F.C.), a beloved symbol of our University (College London) (UCL).
The English Literature students belonged to the Farmers UK section of the Workers' International Terrorist cell (F.U.K.-W.I.T.). The planned action was allegedly in support of Clarko-Bolshevism, an ideology fusing the thought of Jeremy Clarkson with the politics of the Russian Revolution.
When asked for comment, the organisation, which defines itself as an "Anarcho-Socialist-Fascist, Pro-Israel, Pro-Palestine, Anti-Russia, Anti-Ukraine radical knitting club", said something I can't remember because I was distracted by a weird-looking pigeon that turned out to be a small picture of Ant (or it might have been Dec).
In response to the incident, the head of UCL Security issued this statement: "Get the fuck away from me before I batter you like a chip shop sausage you little twerp!" (Mean!)
This article appeared in CG89